Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so let's talk penis.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
