all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
