I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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