im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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