And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
