Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
