i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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