new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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