wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
