I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
