I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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