i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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