Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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