just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
