I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
