just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
