My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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