dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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