Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
