I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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