I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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