you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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