Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
