and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
