i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
