My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
