How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
