My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
