He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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