I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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