puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
