She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
