She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
