my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
how drunk are you?
Several
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize