i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
