i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
