I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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