Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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