Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
