Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
