I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
