The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize