dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize