every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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