I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
