just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
