I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That's when you crack a 10am beer
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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