Where is the hickey?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
