its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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