Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
