She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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