This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
