he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize