From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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