Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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