you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
