I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
